Reality—The
Transition is so much Harder than I ever Imagined
From the time I can remember I always wanted to be a
mommy. I don’t remember aspiring to be
famous or a great leader of many—I simply remember wanting to be a mommy. I loved babies; I loved children; and found
joy in being so intuitively comfortable with them. My heart’s desire was to mimic that fairytale
of every Disney movie I ever cherished; meet a handsome price, fall in love,
have a beautiful wedding, make babies, and live happily ever after. Happily ever after looked like this: My
husband walking through the front door after work every day to find a beautiful
wife wearing makeup and high heels standing in the kitchen with a bazillion
little ones around her feet and one in the oven…The END
BUT, circumstances in my life and plenty of poor choices (might I add--reality), led
me not to the happily ever after I imagined, but instead to corporate America by
necessity. Despite the obligation of it,
I was the kind of person that sought to do and be my best at any endeavor set
before me. So I set out to be the
full-time working mom that balanced it all.
I entered the work force young and eager to climb corporate
ladders, after all, it was up to me to provide for my children. So I did; and I did well. But, before long, I was more comfortable at
work than I was at home with my children.
Although many would look from the outside in and say I was a terrific
mom, I was always impatient to get back to work. I had structure, routine, organization,
accolades, and gratifications. I knew
what was expected and I strived to exceed those expectations. At the end of the day, when I walked out of
my office and shut off the lights, I could say to myself, “Job well done!”
The idea of being a full time stay at home mom was so
distant from my heart by now that if it even came to mind—the thought was
only of its impossibility I joined in on
conversations that went like this, “I could never be a stay at home mom, I
would be so bored!” But somewhere deep
there was still a flame for it, it was just so dim; even I could not feel it.
In December of 2011 I fell in love with a Godly man and he
captured my heart. I cherished his old
fashioned ways: opening doors, carrying heavy things, believing he was the
leader of the home. We married just four
months later! Shortly after we were
married, I vividly remember sitting at our kitchen table and him saying to me,
“Vivian, I’d like you to pray about staying home.” I can laugh about this now, but when he said
this to me, I did not even acknowledge the man! I felt his comment enter my
brain and escape it, all in one fell swoop, and then I opened up a dialogue
about something completely different!
Little did I know he had been praying about it and was timidly
approaching the subject—my whole adult life I had been the breadwinner, I had
been in control; I had been the leader of my home in every aspect. He was aware of this and cautious about not
demanding this role from me, afraid that I would feel stripped of all I perceived
I was. Little did he know, it was a
lifelong dream of mine that I had buried somewhere deep down in my heart.
When he said those words to me, I wasn’t even aware, but he
ignited that flame I had hid and out of nowhere I began to feel God call me to
prayer about staying home. Through
united prayers, and tears (my part mostly—okay only), and scripture
searching—we decided that staying home was within God’s will. This was a process, but the day I actually
surrendered was a Sunday. Two days
later, I found out I was pregnant!
One month later I was packing my office. I had zero doubt, zero fear—only peace about
it. Honestly, I couldn’t wait to get out
of there! (Maybe because I wasn’t feeling very well from early pregnancy). Nonetheless, I only had excitement. I couldn’t wait to get home and do all the
home things: bake, scrapbook, read way more to my children than I had lately,
craft, study God’s word more, prepare our home for a new baby, ignite old
passions that I had dismissed in lieu of work…whatever it was…I couldn’t wait!
Months later, the reality has set in. The transition has been so much harder than I
ever expected. Adjusting the lack of
routine and organization, adjusting to preschool conversation all day,
adjusting to the lack of self-gratification in knowing you performed a job well
done, adjusting to the endlessness of my days, adjusting to the financial
impacts, adjusting to this me that I don’t know how to be—it has been so much
more of an uphill battle than I ever prepared myself for.
This is my heart (blog) about my struggles in overcoming
this transition from career to a stay at home mom. I will be honest, open, and raw. My goal is to not only overcome this through
God’s grace but hopefully offer encouragement to other mommas that might feel
all alone in a time of transition such as this.
