Long Term Support
This has been on my heart to share for a long time. But, out of fear it would seem like a desperate
call for help, or even worse—come across as ungrateful for everything we’ve
been blessed with, I’ve avoided it.
But I can’t help to think that someone out there wants to
read this. And at some point (even if it’s
not in our family’s grief) this may help someone. So, here goes nothing.
In the first days and weeks after a terrible tragedy it’s
easy (or should I say easier) to fulfill the needs of a grieving family. There is nothing too small or too great. It’s all so needed. Boundaries
are temporarily broken down and it’s socially acceptable to complete intimate
tasks for a family in mourning. But,
then the dust settles (about a month after tragedy). And all the boundaries of life fall back into
their usual place. This leaves
well-meaning and loving people not sure where to stand, what to say, or how to
do it. They want to help. They wish they could. They don’t know how. Sometimes they even ask. But the bereaved family is still barely
coping and honestly cannot express needs—not because of pride—but truly the
inability to even recognize a need. And,
bereaved parents are especially terrible communicators. (I once touted myself an excellent
communicator—now, it’s hard to type a text to closest friends) Please forgive us.
I thought I’d make some suggestions of things that I think
are great for long-term support of families coping with loss (specifically loss
of a child)
I
think the first and greatest gift you can give a grieving mother and father is “Date
Nights”
Marriage is hard. Intentional, healthy relationship is
challenging. Add the loss of a child and
the stats on a marriage surviving that are profoundly discouraging. The mother and father are grieving alone in
the same home all day long. They are
busy caring for the other children, dividing and conquering, working, managing
the home, etc. But the truth is—no two
people loved their child like they did together. Giving them a time and space to grieve
together is incredibly healing and powerful.
They are too overwhelmed to plan this out for themselves, they feel
guilty to ask friends, it’s expensive, and they may not even really feel like
they want to go on a date. But, they NEED to. They need to get alone. They need to miss their baby together. They need to cry together. They need to breakdown together. They need to laugh together. And if mom and dad can grieve healthily
together, the children in the home only reap the benefits of this as they lead
them down their personal grief journeys. It’s foundational.
Tangible
ways to help:
- · Make a reoccurring calendar date for them. Tell them that every (or every other) Thursday evening at 6 p.m. you will be at their house to feed/bath/watch the children while they go out for two hours.
- · Supply the couple with gift cards to local restaurants or attractions they like
- · Make a date night basket for them full of board games, wine, idea jars, tissues, etc. (you get the idea here and can be creative)
The
next thing I can think of is “Taking the Pressure off the Family”
Everything feels overwhelming to a
grieving parent. Just breathing feels
overwhelming. Add running a home,
managing children’s schedules, obligations, etc. and it’s nearly enough to make
the whole thing crumble.
We know we have to move forward,
even if it is just one step at a time.
But, it is like walking in concrete.
And while the bereaved family is ready to get on to a new normal, it’s
still so hard. Some days are heavier
than others.
Tangible ways to help:
- · Offer to do the grocery shopping. If the family makes a weekly meal plan, pick up their list and debit card, grab the groceries, and drop them off for the family. Going to the grocery store is one of my current least favorite things to do.
- · If there are multiple children in the home that are involved in activities with your children, make a standing offer to take them and/or pick them up for practice, class, games, etc. We want our children to move forward and participate in healthy outlets—but the mental planning, the effort to get them there and back is often crippling.
- · Speaking of children—bereaved parents are struggling to connect with anyone, even their own children. Invest in them. Take them to weekly park dates, or library visits, ice cream or Sonic Happy Hour every Tuesday.
- · One meal a week to the family is a big deal. Even if it’s hot dogs. It means mom doesn’t have to think about it—which is the hardest part.
- · Find a chore around the home that you can do, even if no one is home, but especially if they are home. (water plants, vacuum, dust, etc.) Just one...just a 30 minute chore that doesn’t require anything from the family.
- · Do the leg work for the family
o
For example—I have a stack of envelopes from the
providers of Asa’s care that I can’t open.
I’d give anything for someone to sit down at my computer and just let me
sit next to them while they did all the major work.
o
We need a grief support group, specifically for
bereaved parents. Ask me if I have sat
down and even attempted to find one?
Nope. But if someone simply took
me by the shoulders, pointed me north and said walk ten blocks and you’ll be
there—I’d do it.
Well, there it is.
Just some ways I’ve thought would be good, long-term support to families
that are grieving.
I recognize that my personal love language is Acts of
Service and this list has a lot of acts on it.
My prayer is that these are some universal needs and they’d be found
helpful to any family. My fear is that people would feel like I don't appreciate all the ways we are being loved. Please know, we do.
I’d like to share some examples of what have been the big
blessings in hopes that someone else can carry these on in another tragedy.
·
Asa Sundays
o
A friend made a point to post videos and
pictures of Asa every Sunday. It
reminds us that we are loved. That our
child is loved. That they recognize our
pain. The best part is, she didn’t even
ask (to my recollection). She just did
it.
·
Cards in the mail
o
This act is so simple. I don’t quite grasp its power. But it is so encouraging to receive kind
words in the mail. One friend sends a
card weekly, addressed from God.
·
Leg Work for Grief Seminar
o
A friend heard of a healing retreat for bereaved
parents. She did all of the leg
work. All the paper work. All the fine details. Just sent us the dates of our engagement.
Thanks for letting me share.
I pray that this is helpful and encouraging. We are eternally grateful for the army of
angels in our community loving us.
