Reality—The Transition is so much Harder than I ever Imagined

Reality—The Transition is so much Harder than I ever Imagined

 

From the time I can remember I always wanted to be a mommy.  I don’t remember aspiring to be famous or a great leader of many—I simply remember wanting to be a mommy.  I loved babies; I loved children; and found joy in being so intuitively comfortable with them.  My heart’s desire was to mimic that fairytale of every Disney movie I ever cherished; meet a handsome price, fall in love, have a beautiful wedding, make babies, and live happily ever after.  Happily ever after looked like this: My husband walking through the front door after work every day to find a beautiful wife wearing makeup and high heels standing in the kitchen with a bazillion little ones around her feet and one in the oven…The END

BUT, circumstances in my life and plenty of poor choices (might I add--reality), led me not to the happily ever after I imagined, but instead to corporate America by necessity.  Despite the obligation of it, I was the kind of person that sought to do and be my best at any endeavor set before me.  So I set out to be the full-time working mom that balanced it all.

I entered the work force young and eager to climb corporate ladders, after all, it was up to me to provide for my children.  So I did; and I did well.  But, before long, I was more comfortable at work than I was at home with my children.  Although many would look from the outside in and say I was a terrific mom, I was always impatient to get back to work.  I had structure, routine, organization, accolades, and gratifications.  I knew what was expected and I strived to exceed those expectations.  At the end of the day, when I walked out of my office and shut off the lights, I could say to myself, “Job well done!”

The idea of being a full time stay at home mom was so distant from my heart by now that if it even came to mind—the thought was only of its impossibility  I joined in on conversations that went like this, “I could never be a stay at home mom, I would be so bored!”  But somewhere deep there was still a flame for it, it was just so dim; even I could not feel it.

In December of 2011 I fell in love with a Godly man and he captured my heart.  I cherished his old fashioned ways: opening doors, carrying heavy things, believing he was the leader of the home.  We married just four months later!  Shortly after we were married, I vividly remember sitting at our kitchen table and him saying to me, “Vivian, I’d like you to pray about staying home.”  I can laugh about this now, but when he said this to me, I did not even acknowledge the man! I felt his comment enter my brain and escape it, all in one fell swoop, and then I opened up a dialogue about something completely different!  Little did I know he had been praying about it and was timidly approaching the subject—my whole adult life I had been the breadwinner, I had been in control; I had been the leader of my home in every aspect.  He was aware of this and cautious about not demanding this role from me, afraid that I would feel stripped of all I perceived I was.  Little did he know, it was a lifelong dream of mine that I had buried somewhere deep down in my heart.

When he said those words to me, I wasn’t even aware, but he ignited that flame I had hid and out of nowhere I began to feel God call me to prayer about staying home.  Through united prayers, and tears (my part mostly—okay only), and scripture searching—we decided that staying home was within God’s will.   This was a process, but the day I actually surrendered was a Sunday.  Two days later, I found out I was pregnant!

One month later I was packing my office.  I had zero doubt, zero fear—only peace about it.  Honestly, I couldn’t wait to get out of there! (Maybe because I wasn’t feeling very well from early pregnancy).  Nonetheless, I only had excitement.  I couldn’t wait to get home and do all the home things: bake, scrapbook, read way more to my children than I had lately, craft, study God’s word more, prepare our home for a new baby, ignite old passions that I had dismissed in lieu of work…whatever it was…I couldn’t wait!

Months later, the reality has set in.  The transition has been so much harder than I ever expected.  Adjusting the lack of routine and organization, adjusting to preschool conversation all day, adjusting to the lack of self-gratification in knowing you performed a job well done, adjusting to the endlessness of my days, adjusting to the financial impacts, adjusting to this me that I don’t know how to be—it has been so much more of an uphill battle than I ever prepared myself for. 

This is my heart (blog) about my struggles in overcoming this transition from career to a stay at home mom.  I will be honest, open, and raw.  My goal is to not only overcome this through God’s grace but hopefully offer encouragement to other mommas that might feel all alone in a time of transition such as this.