If I Had to Choose

If I had to choose it all over again, I would.  If I could change absolutely nothing—not one tiny detail, I’d still choose you.  I would choose Every. Single. Nanosecond. over and over again. 

I would choose one heart breaking negative pregnancy test after another.  I would choose endless days of my most uncomfortable pregnancy, over and over.  I would choose anxiety ridden days of postpartum struggles.  I would choose being held hostage for months upon months because you absolutely hated the car seat.  I would choose staring bewilderedly at a positive pregnancy test, thinking I’ll never survive, while you sat, ten months old, screaming at my feet.  I would choose exhausting days of pregnancy chasing you—the busiest and most demanding toddler. 

If I had to choose it all over again, I would.  If I could change absolutely nothing…I’d still choose you.  If I had to choose the very last day, knowing exactly what was going to happen.  If I didn’t have the power, if I couldn’t change a single thing, I’d still choose you. 

If I had to choose that moment, THE moment, the sound of terror in your father’s voice screaming out to me.  I would.  If I had to chose falling to my knees and pleading with God, over and over again…I would.  If I had to hold your broken vessel while the angels carried you away…Every time, I would.  Every single time.  I’d choose you. 

I’d choose all the pain…over and over and over again.  Just for more of you.