His Grace is Sufficient for Me

His Grace is Sufficient for Me

Since the end of July, I’ve been doing a lot of sitting on the couch, aimless house wandering (that occasionally produces a fruitful work), and waiting—waiting for this “natural rhythm”—that everyone promises me will come—when transition from career to domestic engineer.  It hasn’t worked for over three months now—time for a new tactic.  Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?  Some days I already feel like I’m on the verge of instability so I’m shooting for a little more proactive approach; I don’t have much to lose (except my worn-in spot on the couch).  My objective for this upcoming week was to spend some quiet time realizing some reasonable priorities, expectations, and setting goals for myself as a stay at home mom.  By the way, I tried a schedule and it failed miserably—my husband gently encouraged me not to make a schedule and has kindly declined to remind me that he “told me so”.  (Every chance I get, I like to praise him—he has hands full with my tenacity).

As I began to dig deep down picking and prying myself for reasonable priorities and expectations in order to set practical goals that met the job description of Stay At Home Mom, I hit a brick wall.  I recognized that I am struggling to find value in myself as a SAHM.  While I could tell you all of the worth that being a full-time wife and mother can present to a family, I couldn’t tell you how I could bring that meaningfulness to my family. What I have learned to value about myself, up until this point, has centered on my independence, responsibility, determination, intelligence, leadership, strength, accomplishments, and professional success.  All of these qualities are challenged as a stay at home mother. 

When I married the gift God gave me in Paul, I was quickly spun into a foreign world; a world where the husband is the leader of the home and many of my valued qualities were mildly challenged.  But I welcomed the change; I was tired and ready for help carrying the load. Having someone to take out the stinky trash is awesome, but having someone that won’t even let me take it out if I tried totally rocks!  Three months later when we decided for me to stay at home, I blithely considered that I might struggle with the change of environment, but I certainly didn’t anticipate the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and guilt associated with the change of environment and  new identity.

By acknowledging this inner crusade, I feel like I have brought myself to a crossroad trying to determine which road to take—desperately wanting to make the choice that honors God and brings me to my fullest potential as a wife, a mother, and a witness to others.   One path is where I chose not acknowledge these struggles and feelings and just continue on as I am—my growth paralyzed by Satan’s weapon s of inadequacy, insecurity, and guilt.  After all, no one seems to be bothered half as much by my internal struggles as I am.  Everyone seems quite content with daily life as it is and can’t point out my failings.  My husband is always pointing out the positive (he’s a positive patty) and would lead me, and anyone that listens to him, to believe that I do a great job at home.  The other path is to allow God’s grace to be sufficient enough; know His Holy word tells me His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Cor 12:9)  This path tells me to trust in my Creator and let him grow me through this change.

The path of trusting Him and believing His truth reminds me that the qualities that were written on the core of me that I valued so highly were given to me by God himself.  They were either qualities that God intended on me needing and keeping for a lifetime or gifts that He gave me to last only for a time that He called for.  The blessings that He gave me through Paul and the opportunity to stay at home have indeed removed a set of those qualities from me but God didn’t intend for me to be leader of my home; not spiritually, physically, nor financially.  (Like I said before, taking out trash stinks and not opening doors for myself suits me well).  The traits God wrote on my heart that He intended for a lifetime are still with me—they just look different and they manifest themselves in new ways.  I’m stumbling and clumsily learning to uncover exactly what those traits look like in my new job as a stay at home mom, but I can effortlessly tell you what they don’t look like!  Those traits no longer manifest themselves through weekly business meetings, or a closet clad with black and gray business clothes, or 5:30am alarm clocks (that’s a perk)!

 By allowing God’s grace to wash over me I am allowing Him to open my eyes to me how He wants to use me in our home—as a wife and mother and witness and I am rejecting Satan’s weapons and lies.  Where Satan wants to trap us by exploiting our weaknesses, God wants to perfect us.  My prayer as I enter the new week and create goals that serve my family, is to reject Satan’s lies and welcome God’s grace and  to know that every character gift I have was given to me by God—for his purpose!