Supporting Bereaved Families - Long Term

Long Term Support

This has been on my heart to share for a long time.  But, out of fear it would seem like a desperate call for help, or even worse—come across as ungrateful for everything we’ve been blessed with, I’ve avoided it. 

But I can’t help to think that someone out there wants to read this.  And at some point (even if it’s not in our family’s grief) this may help someone.  So, here goes nothing. 

In the first days and weeks after a terrible tragedy it’s easy (or should I say easier) to fulfill the needs of a grieving family.  There is nothing too small or too great.  It’s all so needed.    Boundaries are temporarily broken down and it’s socially acceptable to complete intimate tasks for a family in mourning.  But, then the dust settles (about a month after tragedy).  And all the boundaries of life fall back into their usual place.  This leaves well-meaning and loving people not sure where to stand, what to say, or how to do it.  They want to help.  They wish they could.  They don’t know how.  Sometimes they even ask.  But the bereaved family is still barely coping and honestly cannot express needs—not because of pride—but truly the inability to even recognize a need.  And, bereaved parents are especially terrible communicators.  (I once touted myself an excellent communicator—now, it’s hard to type a text to closest friends)  Please forgive us. 

I thought I’d make some suggestions of things that I think are great for long-term support of families coping with loss (specifically loss of a child)

I think the first and greatest gift you can give a grieving mother and father is “Date Nights”

Marriage is hard.  Intentional, healthy relationship is challenging.  Add the loss of a child and the stats on a marriage surviving that are profoundly discouraging.  The mother and father are grieving alone in the same home all day long.  They are busy caring for the other children, dividing and conquering, working, managing the home, etc.   But the truth is—no two people loved their child like they did together.  Giving them a time and space to grieve together is incredibly healing and powerful.  They are too overwhelmed to plan this out for themselves, they feel guilty to ask friends, it’s expensive, and they may not even really feel like they want to go on a date.   But, they NEED to.  They need to get alone.  They need to miss their baby together.  They need to cry together.  They need to breakdown together.  They need to laugh together.  And if mom and dad can grieve healthily together, the children in the home only reap the benefits of this as they lead them down their personal grief journeys.  It’s foundational.

Tangible ways to help:

• ·       Make a reoccurring calendar date for them.  Tell them that every (or every other) Thursday evening at 6 p.m. you will be at their house to feed/bath/watch the children while they go out for two hours.
• ·       Supply the couple with gift cards to local restaurants or attractions they like
• ·       Make  a date night basket for them full of board games, wine, idea jars, tissues, etc. (you get the idea here and can be creative)

The next thing I can think of is “Taking the Pressure off the Family”

Everything feels overwhelming to a grieving parent.  Just breathing feels overwhelming.  Add running a home, managing children’s schedules, obligations, etc. and it’s nearly enough to make the whole thing crumble.

We know we have to move forward, even if it is just one step at a time.  But, it is like walking in concrete.  And while the bereaved family is ready to get on to a new normal, it’s still so hard.  Some days are heavier than others.

Tangible ways to help:

• ·       Offer to do the grocery shopping.  If the family makes a weekly meal plan, pick up their list and debit card, grab the groceries, and drop them off for the family. Going to the grocery store is one of my current least favorite things to do. 
• ·       If there are multiple children in the home that are involved in activities with your children, make a standing offer to take them and/or pick them up for practice, class, games, etc. We want our children to move forward and participate in healthy outlets—but the mental planning, the effort to get them there and back is often crippling.
• ·       Speaking of children—bereaved parents are struggling to connect with anyone, even their own children.  Invest in them.  Take them to weekly park dates, or library visits, ice cream or Sonic Happy Hour every Tuesday.
• ·       One meal a week to the family is a big deal.  Even if it’s hot dogs.  It means mom doesn’t have to think about it—which is the hardest part.
• ·       Find a chore around the home that you can do, even if no one is home, but especially if they are home.  (water plants, vacuum, dust, etc.)  Just one...just a 30 minute chore that doesn’t require anything from the family.
• ·       Do the leg work for the family

o   For example—I have a stack of envelopes from the providers of Asa’s care that I can’t open.  I’d give anything for someone to sit down at my computer and just let me sit next to them while they did all the major work. 

o   We need a grief support group, specifically for bereaved parents.  Ask me if I have sat down and even attempted to find one?  Nope.  But if someone simply took me by the shoulders, pointed me north and said walk ten blocks and you’ll be there—I’d do it. 

Well, there it is.  Just some ways I’ve thought would be good, long-term support to families that are grieving. 

I recognize that my personal love language is Acts of Service and this list has a lot of acts on it.  My prayer is that these are some universal needs and they’d be found helpful to any family. My fear is that people would feel like I don't appreciate all the ways we are being loved.  Please know, we do. 

I’d like to share some examples of what have been the big blessings in hopes that someone else can carry these on in another tragedy.

·       Asa Sundays

o   A friend made a point to post videos and pictures of Asa every Sunday.  It reminds us that we are loved.  That our child is loved.  That they recognize our pain.  The best part is, she didn’t even ask (to my recollection).  She just did it. 

·       Cards in the mail

o   This act is so simple.  I don’t quite grasp its power.  But it is so encouraging to receive kind words in the mail.  One friend sends a card weekly, addressed from God. 

·       Leg Work for Grief Seminar

o   A friend heard of a healing retreat for bereaved parents.  She did all of the leg work.  All the paper work.  All the fine details.  Just sent us the dates of our engagement.   

Thanks for letting me share.  I pray that this is helpful and encouraging.  We are eternally grateful for the army of angels in our community loving us.