The Hardest Choice A Parent Has to Make

Today was the hardest day I’ve ever faced as a parent.  It was also my daughter’s twelfth birthday.  Some decisions we make about and for our children are so easy, some are more difficult, and then a few are like ripping our own hearts out. 

Our daughter, Hannah, was born with a gift.  She loves animals—to her, they are people, maybe even superior to people.  She’s the only one in our family that has this gift, and as you know, when you have a special gift that not many share, you sometimes feel alone.  Occasionally I wish she didn’t have this gift (mostly because I see the isolation it brings her).  But more often than wishing God had not given her this gift, I wished that someone else in our family shared it with her—maybe even me, so I, her mother, of all people, could give her heart something that I fall so desperately short of.

It is so difficult as a parent when you feel like you can’t give something to your child.  I don’t mean the coolest pair of sneakers on the shelf, but to give to their hearts.  In this way, I can only try to imagine the agony that parents of chronically ill or terminally ill children must feel.  May our Lord bless these families with glory and riches beyond our imagination upon His return!

Hannah’s best friend was a 4 year old, 65 lb, wet nosed pit bull—Dixie.  Dixie was hit by a car about a year ago.  The accident was terrible.  She had three fractures and we didn’t think she was going to make it.  Dixie and Hannah share the same steady as an oak stubbornness! Dixie pulled through and made a full recovery.  But as time went on we began to notice subtle changes in her personality.  She was increasingly protective of Hannah—to the point, we, her family, were the one Dixie felt the need to protect Hannah from.  She seemed to be less patient with the other children in the home nipping at both of them and started showing aggression to other animals, including her fur-siblings who had been in the home for years.  After two very aggressive attacks on some of our country yard animals, the choice we had to make was not a choice at all.  But the only option meant breaking our daughter’s heart.  You pray, if there is any other way, God—please let it be. 

Last night after the most aggressive attack Dixie has made, Paul and I sat down to pray.  We knew it had to be done.  Dixie could no longer even be given to another home—she was too dangerous a threat to other animals and people.  Paul made the call to the vet and they told us to bring her in tomorrow first thing in the morning.  When he hung up the phone, we both stared at each other—tomorrow is Hannah’s birthday.  How do we break her heart and what kinds of parents do that to their daughter on her birthday? Our hearts were broken too—for Hannah. 

Neither Paul nor I slept too well last night.  We snuggled tight, silently, and just prayed.  This morning we tried to pretend it was a normal Saturday morning.  We solemnly drank coffee as the children silently slept; knowing the task ahead was not easy.  At last, Paul set down his coffee cup and headed to wake Hannah.  My prayers hastened in their fervency; thanking God for the husband I had, for his courage and boldness, for his faithfulness in the Lord, for his fruits of long-suffering and peaceful nature, and for my daughter—that God would hold her heart in his hands.  I opened my bible, then I heard her tears, and mine own flowed—into my coffee and onto the pages of my bible.  I tried to quiet my sobbing as to not wake the two Littles on my bedroom floor, but as Hannah’s crying continued, I couldn’t control my weeping.  My heart broke for my daughter, and I was glad I didn’t have to be the one to tell her.  A few moments later, Paul exited her room.  He had invited Hannah to go to the vet’s office with him but wasn’t sure if she wanted to go.  In divine manner, God gave me courage to enter to my little girl’s room.  My core was shaky, my hands were sweaty, but in an instant I had the ability to speak without choking on tears.  I held her and reminded her that God was in control and how much I loved her.  I didn’t, I couldn’t, say Happy Birthday to her.  I helped her throw on some  dirty jeans from her bedroom floor, a gray hoody from her most recent church youth weekend trip, and a camo ball cap then I walked with her down the hall to the living room.  When she saw Dixie in her kennel, she immediately stopped, turned around, buried her head in my shoulder, and began weeping again.  We went to the bathroom and tucked a roll of toilet paper into her hoody pocket.  There were little or no words as she and Paul put the leash on Dixie and loaded into the truck.  As they pulled away, I thought I might throw up but my knees were too weak to move my body.   Sobs rang from my soul again as I prayed passionately that God would please hold my daughter’s heart and heal her.

The day ahead is long and weary.  The path we travel is not always easy.  Through this moment of deep grief in my family, I am reminded of how much God loves us; so much that he gave up His ONLY son so that we might have eternal life with him in heaven.  The anguish of giving up your child to a world of pain and suffering for the sake of pure, unconditional, faithful love is the most powerful act imaginable.  Today, as a parent, I experienced the most imeasurable hint of that—it will never compare to the love our Creator has for us. 

I've thanked God continuously all day for his love for us and I pray that all of my friends know His saving grace. 

Happy New Year - Let's Talk About Goals!

2013

I don’t do the resolution thing because I think we should always be setting goals for ourselves, not just at the beginning of the year.  But this is the time of year many of us feel particularly renewed.  We can reflect on the past and learn valuable lessons from it as we set new goals and look forward. 

The last year of my life has probably been the year of the most changes I’ve ever had at one time!  I  married the man God intended for me, we each brought three children to the family and are adding a new one, we settled into a lovely home on 8 acres, I became a stay at home mom and now a homeschooling mom, my husband had a life changing surgery to improve his hearing, and the list goes on.  So many blessings!!!!  So much to look forward to!!!

Here are some of the goals I’m working on achieving over the next few months!  I ask that my friends would pray for me as I pray for you. 

Spiritually

·        * I want to spend time in God’s word daily (even if it is only 10 minutes)

·        * Dedicate a time that gets priority for prayer

·         *Find a spiritual accountability partner (other than my husband)

It’s super hard for me to admit that this is even a struggle for me!  I am a Jr. High Youth Group leader, a Sunday School teacher, and mother of many!  I feel like I’m supposed to just rock in this area!  Truth is for a few months, I’m really good…then I fall off the wagon, and then get back on, etc.  I always notice a difference in my perspective and attitude. 

At Home - Domestic

·        * Contribute to as much savings as humanly possible! (Yes, I have high standards)

o   Monthly grocery goal of $500 for family of 6.5 (I use this # b/c Carrie is only with is sometimes and Paul’s mom has “habits” that I can’t control—like she only drinks Diet Pepsi!) Haha

§  Learn how to coupon (not necessarily the crazy kind—baby steps, for now)

§  Find best meat markets and sales, etc.

o   Make more homemade cleaners and toiletries

·        *Learn how to sew – baby steps again, but for real, I don’t even know how to thread a sewing machine!  I want to start with homemade baby wipes (I mean 4” x 8” squares, I can do this)

One of my “always” goals is to make our home a place my husband hates to leave and loves to come home to and a place where the children feel safe, nurtured, and free to grow naturally within these boundaries of love!

At Home – Education

·         *I am officially a homeschooling momma of an 11, 8, and 5 yr. old!! 

o   We need to establish school routines and household routines

o   I need to learn the balance of flexibility and rigidness required for this endeavor.

o   Determine exactly what curriculum we want to use for next year for each child

This may seem a little broad, and it is.  I’m spending the first few months figuring the new “US” out, as we have never ever spent this much time together for long durations.  We will be focusing on reading, writing, and arithmetic, lots of library trips, and rooting ourselves in some community involvement. 

Personally

·         *Continue to work on physical health

·         *Nurture old and Foster new friendships

I could go on forever and ever because I’m just that kind of person.  I give myself very little grace.  And IF I write it, I MUST hold myself to it.  So I’m keeping my fingers bound up from this point forward on the subject!  Keeping it to this and once we are making some progress, I will add to it! J

Blessings to all!  I love you!

Brain Retrain = Heart Olympics

I haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks and when my husband asked me why I despondently said, “Because I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress.”   My career-oriented mind tells me that it’s all about where I’m going and my success is measured by my progress; and progress should be swift and distinguishable.  In the work world my goal was to constantly advance my department and set it apart with a competitive edge—that’s how I measured success and that’s how my success was evaluated.  In my new world success and progress are on two different planes, they don’t seem to go hand in hand, and they don’t seem to measure my performance and there is no competitive edge I’m claiming stake to.  Retraining my brain has proved itself a worthy opponent.

When I first began blogging about the unpredicted struggles I’ve encountered within the transition from breadwinner to bread maker—my vision for blogging was to illustrate my progress and eventually end up in a place called “success”.   Blogging was an opportunity for me to express my internal struggle, hopefully help someone else along the way, and when I got to success I would have this stay at home wife and mom thing all figured out.  I expected it to be swift and distinguishable—just like in my previous world. 

But this journey to re-identify, give meaning, accept my value, and find my purpose as a stay at home wife and mother has been quite the challenge and the exact opposite of swift and distinguishable.   Many of my friends have encouraged me by saying that over time I will find the natural rhythm of staying home.  I (without foundation) disregarded their  wisdom, and  being the type A personality I am, decided I didn’t want to just wait it out; I wanted to aggressively and forcefully find success as a stay at homer.   In case you’re wondering, the fact I haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks is proof that audaciously seeking it out has not worked how I intended! However, I have noticed some slight and subtle changes lately.

Previously I felt that if I wasn’t advancing, I was losing.  If every day wasn’t gradually getting better than the previous, I was not moving towards success.  In work world if you aren’t advancing, you will be replaced by someone who is—there is no grace.  So in my new world, I imparted no grace to myself and when I couldn’t quantify daily achievement, I gave myself an F for that day.  After months of failing grades, I was wallowing in self pity.  As recent as the last week I have noticed that I am allowing God’s grace to be sufficient and I am grasping the concept that every day is not going to be better than the previous.  Although I haven’t completely abandoned the fallacious mind set from my work world, I am enjoying the freshness of leniency that I’ve recently permitted.  It’s ok and, might I dare say normal, if today isn’t as good as yesterday; if it feels like two steps forward and three steps backwards.  Life in the home world is measured on a different scale than work world—I still don’t know exactly how it is measured, but I know it’s not calculated the same as Corporate America.  Perhaps it’s measured by the small and succinct growth of my children.  I felt incredibly proud of my preschooler this morning when I witnessed him sneeze, pick a tissue from the box off the coffee table, and discard his tissue in the trash—all without a peep from me.  And perhaps my wise friends were right—it will come; the natural rhythm of staying at home will come—and the process of getting there is just as important as the getting there.

Back to Basics - My Purpose Hasn't Changed

My first three and a half months as a stay at home mom have been incredibly thorny.  I’ve recently been challenged to accept that I can bring value in this role and to create a Godly and reasonable  vision of what that looks like.  At the beginning of this journey, my ideas where quite unrealistic and based off untruths (like mom’s who don’t work outside of the home should scrub their kitchen tiles with a toothbrush)—prejudiced ideas founded from the outside looking in.  I quickly failed and sent myself into a spiral of disappointment that landed me straight on the couch in tears—almost daily.  Responding to my challenge, I have spent a lot of quiet time this week trying to create a philosophy for myself as a stay at home mom that included a clear vision with reasonable goals. 

I set out to establish those expectations and goals and God stopped me to remind me not to get too far ahead of myself—He simply reminded me of my purpose.  He revealed to me that my purpose is really the same now as it was when I worked outside of the home; it hasn’t changed.  Serve Him first, serve my family, and then serve my church and community.  Serving God first means that I am to spend time with him in prayer and in His word every day.  I am to be diligent in keeping Satan out of my home (media is a huge opportunity for Satan to enter into our homes—a later blog).  Ultimately every choice I make throughout my day should be made in an effort to bring Him Glory.  By seeking God first, He will give me all the tools I need to serve others.  (Mat 6:33)  Serving my family means that I am to be aware of and selflessly fulfill their unique needs; on a spiritual, physical, and emotional level.  This can get really deep so I’m trying to keep it on the surface and go deeper at a later time as I mature in my new role (BABY STEPS).  All of their needs are different and manifest themselves distinctively.  For now, I need to remember to exemplify a Godly wife and mother to them and do my best to meet their individual emotional needs while I feed them! Lastly, God commands Christians to serve the church and reach out to those that don't know Him.  Serving the church comes in so many forms of ministry: cooking, cleaning, teaching, etc.  Right now Paul and I have the honor of leading our Jr. High students and what a blast it is! But I should remember not to grow weary or complacent in my service and to faithfully share the good news with everyone I can—including the grocery store clerk.

So that’s my philosophy:  Love God and Others!  It sounds so simple—we humans always have to make things so complicated!  Oh but now onto a vision with reasonable goals—there I go making things complicated…

A vision—a vision that does not include unreasonable demands on myself as a child of God or as a wife and mother, a vision that doesn’t include scrubbing with toothbrushes or wearing high heels in the kitchen—but a vision that is Godly and serves my family well.   After all, the decision for me to stay at home was not so I could sit on the couch and cry, it was to serve my family in a way that brings glory to God and fruitfulness to them. 

Serve God and he will add all the rest unto me.  Hopefully sometime this week I will have the opportunity to share with you how my vision is revealing itself.  God is imparting this to me in small baby bites!  Although it is still hazy, I am excited that I finally have a glimpse of an intentional purpose. 

His Grace is Sufficient for Me

His Grace is Sufficient for Me

Since the end of July, I’ve been doing a lot of sitting on the couch, aimless house wandering (that occasionally produces a fruitful work), and waiting—waiting for this “natural rhythm”—that everyone promises me will come—when transition from career to domestic engineer.  It hasn’t worked for over three months now—time for a new tactic.  Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?  Some days I already feel like I’m on the verge of instability so I’m shooting for a little more proactive approach; I don’t have much to lose (except my worn-in spot on the couch).  My objective for this upcoming week was to spend some quiet time realizing some reasonable priorities, expectations, and setting goals for myself as a stay at home mom.  By the way, I tried a schedule and it failed miserably—my husband gently encouraged me not to make a schedule and has kindly declined to remind me that he “told me so”.  (Every chance I get, I like to praise him—he has hands full with my tenacity).

As I began to dig deep down picking and prying myself for reasonable priorities and expectations in order to set practical goals that met the job description of Stay At Home Mom, I hit a brick wall.  I recognized that I am struggling to find value in myself as a SAHM.  While I could tell you all of the worth that being a full-time wife and mother can present to a family, I couldn’t tell you how I could bring that meaningfulness to my family. What I have learned to value about myself, up until this point, has centered on my independence, responsibility, determination, intelligence, leadership, strength, accomplishments, and professional success.  All of these qualities are challenged as a stay at home mother. 

When I married the gift God gave me in Paul, I was quickly spun into a foreign world; a world where the husband is the leader of the home and many of my valued qualities were mildly challenged.  But I welcomed the change; I was tired and ready for help carrying the load. Having someone to take out the stinky trash is awesome, but having someone that won’t even let me take it out if I tried totally rocks!  Three months later when we decided for me to stay at home, I blithely considered that I might struggle with the change of environment, but I certainly didn’t anticipate the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and guilt associated with the change of environment and  new identity.

By acknowledging this inner crusade, I feel like I have brought myself to a crossroad trying to determine which road to take—desperately wanting to make the choice that honors God and brings me to my fullest potential as a wife, a mother, and a witness to others.   One path is where I chose not acknowledge these struggles and feelings and just continue on as I am—my growth paralyzed by Satan’s weapon s of inadequacy, insecurity, and guilt.  After all, no one seems to be bothered half as much by my internal struggles as I am.  Everyone seems quite content with daily life as it is and can’t point out my failings.  My husband is always pointing out the positive (he’s a positive patty) and would lead me, and anyone that listens to him, to believe that I do a great job at home.  The other path is to allow God’s grace to be sufficient enough; know His Holy word tells me His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Cor 12:9)  This path tells me to trust in my Creator and let him grow me through this change.

The path of trusting Him and believing His truth reminds me that the qualities that were written on the core of me that I valued so highly were given to me by God himself.  They were either qualities that God intended on me needing and keeping for a lifetime or gifts that He gave me to last only for a time that He called for.  The blessings that He gave me through Paul and the opportunity to stay at home have indeed removed a set of those qualities from me but God didn’t intend for me to be leader of my home; not spiritually, physically, nor financially.  (Like I said before, taking out trash stinks and not opening doors for myself suits me well).  The traits God wrote on my heart that He intended for a lifetime are still with me—they just look different and they manifest themselves in new ways.  I’m stumbling and clumsily learning to uncover exactly what those traits look like in my new job as a stay at home mom, but I can effortlessly tell you what they don’t look like!  Those traits no longer manifest themselves through weekly business meetings, or a closet clad with black and gray business clothes, or 5:30am alarm clocks (that’s a perk)!

 By allowing God’s grace to wash over me I am allowing Him to open my eyes to me how He wants to use me in our home—as a wife and mother and witness and I am rejecting Satan’s weapons and lies.  Where Satan wants to trap us by exploiting our weaknesses, God wants to perfect us.  My prayer as I enter the new week and create goals that serve my family, is to reject Satan’s lies and welcome God’s grace and  to know that every character gift I have was given to me by God—for his purpose!

My SAHM Confessions of this week! Here's to a better next week!

Some days are harder than others and some weeks are harder than the week before.  I don’t know what the difference between this week and last week is, but this week has been long and hard.  I’ve accomplished very little around my home—evidence is all the clean laundry on the kitchen table.  I’ve been incredibly tired this week (like first trimester tired).  Every time I get this tired I always wonder if I’m struggling with a mild depression.  I mean I could sleep 18 hours a day…and not forced sleep…the kind of sleep where you lay your head down and pass out for hours.  In all my previous pregnancies I was working full-time and often held a second part-time job.  If I was tired, I didn’t have time for it.  I’ve never had the level of support I do with this pregnancy.  It’s almost as if I am reducing my personal standards—Hahaha.  (Overwhelmed by gratitude for my husband when I have weeks like this)

I have a friend stopping by this afternoon.  Uhm, she will be my first official visitor as a stay at home mom!  I’ve been home for three months.  That’s kind of crazy to realize.  I’m tempted to come up with a good excuse like, my house is just too messy for you to come over, then again I remind myself that I need to break out of my shell that I’ve hidden in lately and the company might do my spirit good.  Okay, not might, probably will!

I fixed my hair for the first time this week and also put on makeup—full makeup! And, I put on smelly good lotion! I’m making a personal goal to not eat any of the kid’s candy and put some much needed healthy food in my body today!  (Disclaimer—this is a today only goal—I might eat candy tomorrow)

Here are a few of my confessions from this week and then how I plan on making next week better!

My stay at home mom confessions of this week:

1)      I have not fixed my hair until today

2)      I haven’t shaved my legs all week—until today

3)      My children ate chicken nuggets for dinner last night (and that’s all)

4)      I’ve ate a ton of their super yummy chocolate candy

5)      I haven’t eaten near enough healthy food for me and the baby this week (I did have a cucumber yesterday if that counts)

6)      I’ve ignored my mother’s calls twice

7)      I’ve slept in past 9 twice

8)      Clean laundry is piled on my kitchen table

9)      I’ve done almost zero house work—only enough to get by

10)   Lane has stayed in pajamas well past noon at least three times this week

11)   The couch has a worn in spot from my behind

Next week I am going to work on something pretty heavy.  I’m going to sit down and really try and understand and outline reasonable expectations and goals for myself.  One of my struggles is that I honestly just don’t know what to expect of myself as a SAHM.  If I can reasonably identify that, I think I can start to feel some much needed value about what I’m doing. 

 

*I say reasonable b/c I am typically a perfectionist and hold myself to impossible standards

*Value—yes, I know being a SAHM is so incredibly valuable, I just haven’t learned how to make myself feel valuable at it (insecurity identified) J

 

If you’re wondering why I haven’t done that yet, I can’t answer you!  It’s a good question! 

 

Blessings to all and have a wonderful weekend!

 

Routine: If not by choice, by force!

 

When I met and fell in love with Paul, he was the full-time care giver for his aging mother.  She’s lived with him since his father passed away in 2007.  While she can do general hygiene things for herself and functions well under strong boundaries, she requires a decent amount of supervision and care.  Naturally, it wasn’t a question if she was going to live with us when we got married.  When we married, we moved into a home that has a guest house or mother-in-law cottage attached to the main house by way of covered porch.  It’s the perfect arrangement.  We have our privacy, she has hers, we can check on her frequently, she can get to us quickly, and we can attend to her daily routines!  Yes, I said routine!

Ms. Paula has some strange quirks.  You could say she’s different.  Honestly, sometimes I ask Paul how on earth he ever survived infancy or childhood.  She lives by this strict routine that even if it hurt her, she’d stick to it.  She doesn’t get out of bed until “Five after eight”, she says—although she lays there awake until that exact moment to get out of bed.  She only takes baths—not showers—and those are “Bath days”.  She doesn’t eat the “Green stuff” I make in her food (otherwise known as vegetables).  She only drinks diet Pepsi—in fact, my children say, “Ms. Paula is allergic to water, and milk, and juice, and she’s only not allergic to Pepsi.”  She requires that her laundry be done on Thursdays and can only be done on Thursdays—no exceptions.  

As the last few months of being home have progressed, I’ve learned to enjoy Ms. Paula’s routine.  I’ve yet to really figure one out of my own—but I know I can’t deviate from hers.  I never make plans for Thursday mornings because I know I have her laundry to do.  I honestly don’t want to face the consequences of what would happen if I didn’t get it done.  Don’t get me wrong—she’s a very, very kind woman, but she requires routine to function and without it she’s very anxious.  And for goodness sake, the lady is nearly 70—I’m not going to try and change her now—besides its impossible!  

It’s a joy to help care for her and I am thankful for the small amount of routine she brings to my life while I try to figure this all out!

Off to do some laundry!